Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
