Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
