i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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