I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
