Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I believe in your delicious
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
