Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
