he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize