One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You dont lie about slip and slides
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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