omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
