And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
