I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
