So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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