i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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