Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
