just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
