I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
