The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
