why didn't you poke me back
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
