I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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