I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
