Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
