Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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