I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
