I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
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