We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
People in love make me want to vomit
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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