so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He? As in you personified your dick?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize