god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
