So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
