I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Randomize
