WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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