i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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