and you said cock pushups were impossible
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
