I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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