It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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