I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
