My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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