my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
