I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
