Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
