I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
