im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
