he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
