Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
