Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
