I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Randomize
