Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize