just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
