there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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