i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
