I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
