Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
