just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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