Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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