He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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