I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
