if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize