He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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