I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize