i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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