I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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