OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
