I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
